More than Holding On
by insecureloofa
Summary: In the aftermath of the war, Vera Hadley finds herself the guardian of Teddy Lupin, the son of the only people she ever thought of as her family. How will she hold onto the threads of her former life and move forward? Will she and Charlie Weasley weave a future together? Rated M for later chapters!
1. A Final Goodbye

Chapter One: A Final Goodbye?

I can picture exactly how he'd look if he were sitting beside me today. His ankles would be crossed, legs together so his knees would almost touch, hands clasped loosely in his lap, shoulders slightly hunched, head down, mousy brown hair hanging in his eyes as he stared thoughtfully at the ground.

I know what he would say if he were here. He would look up, eyes squinted towards the cloudy sky, and say, "It's quite dreary for a May morning. Pity." Then he'd turn his face towards me just enough so I could see his small smile and the wink he'd undoubtedly offer.

But he's not here. Well he is here. But he's not. He's the reason I'm sitting on a hard chair made of dead wood in the dead backyard owned by his dead wife's dead mother. Everything here is dead: the trees refuse to bud, the sun hasn't shown in days, and even the wind won't blow above a whisper. Everything is dead. Including him.

The baby stirs in my arms. He squirms just enough to put his plump little face further into the crook of my arm to protect himself from the breeze. I guess not everything is dead. I still have Teddy. But even he doesn't seem real; _how could I possibly be the one left to care for him? _I bring Teddy closer to me, giving him the only thing I can right now: my body heat. As I look down at him, the buzz of negative thoughts in my head quiets enough so I can hear his soft snore, which is likely brought on by the unseasonable yet appropriate frost that has covered the ground every morning for the past two weeks, including this one. Two weeks ago… _no, I can't even go there. Not now._

I place a quick kiss on Teddy's soft brown hair and try to focus on something other than his father's absence. Ha, that's almost funny—it's pretty hard to forget where he is. He's in the coffin to my left. Tonks is in the one to the right_. Can her hair color still change?_… I shake my head vigorously and try to erase the image of her inside her black box. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, get out, get out! Find something else, anything else, to focus on._

For the first time this morning, I look up at the black podium not fifteen feet before me. I know from experience that if I stare hard enough at the Ministry of Magic emblem on the podium's face, the black clad figure standing behind it and the lifeless trees behind him will blur. This optical game kept me occupied at all of the other funerals I've been to in the past ten days. I can't bear listening to another speech unless it's Harry's. I want to listen to Harry, I do, but I also need to pay attention to him because he's the queue for my turn up there. _Oh Merlin, don't think about that yet._

I start counting seconds. After 216 of them, Kingsley Shacklebolt finally steps down from the podium. Although I'm sure he spoke with his usual elegance, no one has the heart to applaud him. I'm still staring at the Ministry "M," but in my peripheral vision I can see him walking away from the podium toward the aisle that separates the two sections of black, wooden chairs. Suddenly he's standing beside me; he slowly reaches out an enormous, calloused hand and places it with surprising gentleness on my right shoulder. He gives it a soft squeeze before moving Teddy's blanket a fraction to see the infant's face. Teddy objects with a soft whine and retreats even further beneath my chest. Kingsley give a quiet, sad chuckle, pats my arm, and continues down the aisle to his seat. We're sitting on Remus's side although I'd rather be sitting directly in the middle of the aisle to show how much I detest having to choose a side like I'm at a wedding. _Bride or groom's side, deary?_ The best I could do was sitting in the rightmost chair of the left side's front row. Harry sits at my left, Ginny beside him, Ron and Hermione next to her. Since sitting down an hour ago, I hadn't bother to notice who else was sitting around me. _I wonder where _he's_ sitting…._

I'm jolted out of my thoughts when I feel Harry frantically grab for my hand. His fingers move quickly to find mine. He squeezes them so hard that it's clear how frightened he is of doing this, of speaking at his godson's father's funeral, of facing the final memorial of Hogwarts' lost fighters. This is the first time I've physically felt his anxiety; I know how hard he's been trying to stay strong and calm for me, for Teddy, for Ginny, for everyone. I hold onto his hand for an extra second, tugging gently so he's forced to look at my face. I take a deep, steady breath and tell him, "Get moving, mate. We're in desperate need of tea and there are mugs inside with our names on them."

I've caught him off guard, and that makes him give a short laugh. He leans over to embrace me with his godson tucked between us. Teddy coos in his sleep, and Harry looks down at him and smiles. He brushes his palm over Teddy's hair. I watch him take his own steadying breath. As he stands, Ginny grabs his arm and offers a supportive squeeze. Harry looks back at her, stares in her eyes, then turns towards the podium. He walks slowly but he's looking straight ahead. I know he doesn't want to look weak; he's doing a damn good job of appearing composed in the face of adversity, in usual Harry fashion. _He looks much stronger than I feel, that's for bloody sure._

I look down at Teddy. I am so thankful he won't remember any of this—the gloomy atmosphere, the tears, the somber faces. _When he hears about his parents, I will make sure it is very different from this. The storytellers will be smiling, laughing, sharing warm memories._

"I don't feel prepared to do this," Harry announces with a sigh as he faces the gathered mourners. "I don't know how I could be. Acknowledging the loss of these two incredible people, well, quite honestly, it makes all of this real. I'll never have another chance to ask Tonks about becoming an Auror. I won't hear another of Remus's stories about his life, or Sirius, or my dad. I'm not ready to say goodbye to Remus and Tonks: two people who taught me so much about perseverance, humility, and allowing yourself to tell outrageous jokes in a quiet room." Several people laugh quietly. I'm finding it hard to breathe. I see Harry share a quick smile until he catches my eye. He continues, "I heard someone great say it is a weakness not to recognize that there are things much worse than death. I intend to make sure Remus and Tonks' son never has to know those things. We will always have memories of the people we've lost in this war; maybe those are the gifts we can give each other in the times to come."

Harry lets out a breath heavily as he comes back to the chairs. He stops beside me, just like Kingsley and the other two speakers did, although I can't remember who those others were. He bends his knees and cocks his head so he is at my eye level. His eyes search mine for a moment. He takes hold of my upper left arm and I wince from the cramp I've developed from holding Teddy for so long in one position. He rubs my arm gently.

I whisper, "You were amazing up there."

He replies, "Thanks," but I know he doesn't think he did well. I can feel his hand shake in its resting place on my bicep.

Ginny leans over and takes Harry's hand. She kisses it and silently urges Harry to sit down. I nod, trying to communicate that he has done his part and he needs a break. Harry settles beside me and I hear Ginny talking him down. _Bugger_. I know I can't give the baby to either of them. Ron and Hermione are speaking quietly together, too. I start to look around for someone who can hold Teddy. I feel a hand rest between my shoulder blades, a small, delicate hand. I turn to see Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom sitting directly behind me.

Luna smiles sweetly, holding her arms out to me. I mouth the words thank you as I hand Teddy to her. I know she will be very caring toward Teddy, but I can't help but feel a little empty without the warm, small body in my hands. Neville touches my wrist gently. "Go on, Vera," he says kindly.

"Right," I say, more to convince myself than anyone else that I'm equipped to give a eulogy for the two people who were most like parents to me. _This can't be happening. What if I mess up? What if I burst out crying and rambling like a lunatic and someone has to drag me off the podium? Okay, you're exaggerating. _I take a few steps towards Remus's coffin. They are shaky, slow steps, but steps forward nonetheless. _Just thank your bloody stars you haven't passed out yet. That only happened once, thank you very much, and given the stress of Fred's funeral, I'm lucky I didn't have a stroke. How do I shut up the goddamn internal dialogue?! I really am going crazy._

I am standing behind the podium, looking down at the black dress shoes that I borrowed from Tonk's closet. A mix of emotions related to that pilfering session swirls in my chest. It's even harder to breath up here. Before I can start thinking of what Tonks would say to me about wearing her clothes, I look up sharply and see the congregation. My eyes, however, land only on one person: Charlie Weasley. He sits two seats down from Neville. I should have known he wouldn't have sat far away—of course he would have kept me in sight. He's making eye contact with me; he purposefully pats the middle of his broad chest with a scarred hand. I remember to take a breath—the pressure that's built there lessens just a bit. _Remember to thank him later for that. Shit. It's now or never. _I know I won't be able to look at anyone but Charlie and not completely lose it.

I begin,"I want to thank you all for being here with Harry, Teddy, and I today. The support you've given to us has helped us get by. Just so you know, I will likely make good on some of your offers of free babysitting." I hear some quiet laughter, but I don't dare search for those good-natured souls. I force myself to stay present: I focus on the dark grey sweater Charlie is wearing. It's fraying slightly near the collar on one side. I told him I would fix it before the service, but Teddy was so fussy that I didn't have time. "But more importantly," I say, "I need to thank the couple we are here to remember because I owe them far more than I can say." Charlie is nodding ever so slightly, his hand still resting on his chest.

I continue, "Remus, when I met you, you were my fifth year Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. After our first class, you invited me to your office for tea. You hardly knew me and yet, in that moment, I felt that perhaps you knew me all too well. Thank you for taking the time to ask me questions about my past and my future, for encouraging me to dream bigger than I thought I could, for teaching me patience and trust." My breath hitches so forcefully that it sounds like a hiccup. I stare unblinkingly at Charlie and keep going. "Thank you for trusting yourself enough to mentor me these four years, and to treat me like a daughter. I promise to take care of Teddy. I promise." I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I try to ignore it but my whole body is shivering. I know well enough by Charlie's expression that he's trying not to cry.

"Tonks, where do I begin? I can't know how it feels to have a sister, but you are, were, my confidante, friend, and constant pick-me-up. Thank you for every laugh, every late-night conversation, every reassurance. You gave Remus so much hope and belief in himself, and that means the world to me. Thank you for proving to him that he was capable of being a wonderful husband and father. Thank you for bringing Teddy into the world. Even if I don't understand it now, thank you for entrusting him to me." Two more tears slide down my face. I brush them away. "I wish you both could see him grow… Maybe you will from where you are."

I step backwards as people leave their seats to pay respect to the coffins. I immediately drop my head and allow myself to cry, to really cry, for the first time since the final battle ended. I turn away from the podium, from Remus and Tonks, from everyone; I don't want to be seen but I'm unsure of how well my legs might cooperate. I want to hide away and cry until I black out. I cover my face with my hands as huge, loud sobs escape from my throat. My knees feel so unsteady that I'm sure I will drop to the ground any second. Just as my legs begin to falter, a pair of strong arms encircles me. A large, warm hand threads through the hair at the back of my head, pulling my face towards a dark grey sweater. I collapse onto a broad, hard chest. My vision fades until everything is fuzzy, distant, and dim. I can only see the frayed collar just beyond my eyelashes.

"Just let go," Charlie whispers in my ear. I do. Everything becomes as dark as his sweater.


	2. The Watcher and the Watch

**Author's Note: So happy to see that MTHO is gaining a few readers! It's been awhile since I updated, so here's a short chapter. I'm still deciding how I want the story to unfold (linear or jumbled…that is the question), but I know where it's going and Vera's telling me how to get there. When we left off, Harry and Vera gave emotional eulogies for Remus and Tonks, and Charlie enters at the end to catch Vera (literally and figuratively). You'll see a tiny bit more of their relationship here. I'd love to hear your guesses about their past :D**

**HP is Rowling's property, not mine. She created the jungle gym: I'm just playing on it.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: The Watcher and The Watch**

Slowly, I become aware that I'm sitting on a warm, squishy chair. I hear soft voices nearby, but I don't want to open my eyes. My muscles are screaming for me to stay in the chair, to fall into a deep sleep. I very badly want to obey; it would be heavenly to fall back into the fogginess in my head. Instead, I try to ignore the thudding in my skull and listen to what the voices are saying, keeping my heavy-lidded eyes closed.

A woman says, "Teddy needs to eat, Charlie, and judging by his fussing, he doesn't want to wait for Vera to feed him. Harry is trying to hold back all the people that want to coo over the baby." That must be Ginny; I can hear the concern in her voice when she says Harry's name. It's clear she wants to be by Harry's side.

My eyes fly open_: Teddy needs me_. I try to lift my head but it doesn't cooperate. Instead, it feels like it's about to split open and I feel dizzy and nauseated. Grudgingly, I rest back again. I see now that I am sitting alone in the dimly lit den of what was once Andromeda Tonks' home. _Charlie must have brought me into the house away from the crowd of mourners in the garden. _Now, this is where Teddy and I live…alone. Everywhere are reminders of the people who aren't here anymore, like the shabby leather watch still sitting on the mantle that I haven't had the heart to move yet. I suddenly wish the mantle wasn't on the other side of the den so I can wrap my fingers around the worn strap of the watch, as if that small piece of Remus could somehow hold at bay the flood of emotions that threaten to engulf me.

I tear my eyes away from the mantle as another voice floats through the ajar door leading to the hallway. I listen more intently, hearing Teddy's whines grow louder. I try again to lift my head, barely succeeding.

"Has she come to, yet? No one but her knows how much the kid eats. We can't let him starve." That's Ron, brotherly concern and bluntness all in one breath.

"For Merlin's sake, Ron! She passed out not ten minutes ago! Give her a little while to resurface." No one can scold Ron quite like Hermione. "Charlie," Hermione continues, "how does Vera look? Do you think she'll wake soon? Is there anything we can do?"

Finally, I hear his voice. "She's pale but her breathing is even and I think she'll come around very soon," Charlie says. "Here, Ginny, give me the baby. Shh, there, there, now, grumpy boy. We'll get you sorted. Why don't you three go help Mum, Dad, and Harry handle the guests in the kitchen? That's what you can do to help Vera. Go on. I can handle this." After mumbled agreements, I hear three pairs of feet shuffle away towards the kitchen.

I look expectantly at the door for a few seconds and am rewarded with a heart-warming sight: burly, strong Charlie awkwardly holding Teddy in his hands as though he were made of delicate china. Charlie's eyes shift between the baby and the room. "I know you're hungry, little man, but for Merlin's sake, keep your diaper on! Where did V put your formula?"

I can't help but smile at this exchange. _This is the first time I've seen Charlie hold Teddy for more than a second. He's so much better at this than he thinks. _"His bottle is in the fridge," I say quietly, trying not to disturb this beautiful moment. Thankfully, Charlie is not easily surprised. He looks up quickly and smiles. "Hey V," he says.

"How are you feeling?" he asks as he kneels beside me with Teddy perched delicately in his hands. He narrows his eyes and adds, "No sugar-coating. Tell me the truth."

I smile despite myself at his rarely-heard serious tone. "Truthfully? I'm exhausted and my head feels like it may implode, but I don't have time for any of it." I reach out to take Teddy, my fingers brushing Charlie's. He keeps his hand on mine as I shift the baby more comfortably in my lap. I try valiantly to ignore the electric shock his touch sends up my arm. "I overheard what you all were saying. If you get Teddy's bottle for me, I'll feed him. Everyone else has enough on their plates."

Charlie takes my hand more firmly and sighs heavily. "V," he says softly, "you're not the only one that can help with Teddy. You're not alone in this." He looks into my eyes, a shadow crossing over his face. The deep-seated ache in my chest twinges painfully as I inspect his face closely. Lines around his beautiful blue eyes and the purple bags beneath them speak to how little he has slept in the last two weeks. I study the rest of his face, making the most of this rare opportunity to be (almost) alone with him. So many freckles cover his nose, cheeks, and forehead that he looks almost tan. If I had the time, I would count every adorable freckle; I've tried before, but there are many of them and it's difficult not to be caught staring so intensely at him. I am very tempted to sweep the shaggy, bright red hair off his face to better gaze at him. I notice he is studying me just as intently, and his fingers tighten around mine. My heart starts to race but doubt immediately spreads through me like poison. _He's just making sure you're alright. Don't be arrogant. You're the last thing on his mind._

"We don't have to talk right now," I interrupt, looking down at my black skirt.

"Just hear me out," he says. His rough fingers gently take hold of my chin and lift it so I am looking at his face. "I know we haven't sorted everything out, but you need to be honest with me when you need help. Please let me in, V."

"Charlie," I begin, but now I am the one interrupted by Teddy's cries. I lift him to rest on my shoulder, placing my face against his and rubbing his back gently. Charlie rests his hand fleetingly on my knee but seems to think better of it and withdraws it again. "Can you get his bottle for me? Please?" I plead. He doesn't respond right away, watching me soothe Teddy. "Charlie?" I say again. He shakes his head briefly. "The bottle," I repeat, "That's what I need right now," I say more tensely than I intend.

Charlie releases a deep breath that rounds his shoulders slightly. He gets heavily to his feet and adjusts his sweater and dress pants. Without a word, he turns towards the hallway door, walking away without a backwards glance.

My head sags back into the chair as I silently berate myself for shutting him out, again_. _Teddy squirms and cries out miserably. "Shh, Teddy, just a moment. Shh." A moment later, it's Hermione, not Charlie, who carries the warmed bottle into the den.

"Here you go, Vera," Hermione says kindly as she hands me the bottle. "Is there anything more I can do for you? We're keeping everyone corralled in the kitchen for now to give you some privacy."

"Thank you, Hermione. That's really all I can ask of you." She nods slowly, and quietly leaves the room.

I've just lied outright to her. I want more than anything to call her back and beg her to get Charlie back in here so I can apologize, explain, plead with him to sit with me and keep holding my hand. But the words die in my throat as she steps into the hallway. I shift Teddy so he lies again in the crook of my arm and place the bottle in his mouth. He immediately relaxes into me and closes the deep brown eyes that are so like his father's. As I look down at Teddy, I again feel hot tears stream down my face, but I choke back the sobs that try to escape my throat. I need this moment to be quiet, somewhat peaceful so the baby can fall asleep. If I can get him upstairs, away from prying eyes, I'll feel like I've done something right for him today.

I can't help but stare at Remus's watch, wishing it could do more than tell the time.


End file.
